Erste

High school, high school, must go back to high school, get my diploma, which I've never owned.  I finished  college, three majors, two masters' and one life-plan. But must go back to high school, high school, never finished high school I'm so late and now the building morphed. I don't know where to find my homeroom or if my locker is a dryer and if I should claim it with the name on my D1 uniform.  Somebody snarles, but does not move it, and now I need some shampoo.  I think I'm late, I know I never ate, I'm starving, dirty constipated. Terrified, tardy in the hallways cornered- stairs -no windows; no air.  I'm terrified and gasping, now to my bowels grasping, I'm lost and loster, lostest, molest, never finished high school, high school, geometric vestibule, holding cap and gown but no diploma still.  I've done my time, so get out of line and into the dorm with the allotted shelving that still has blankie but not my wardrobe so I double park to avoid the mark and go to college trying to find a dorm.  I move quickly in, but the semester has begun and I have children and no schedule but if I did it would be full time and I can't  'cause I'm a parent now, with two children and need to provide somehow.  I'm in high school still though paying college bills, now the dorm is bigger, room for my imagination to twitter, but there's a hole in the wall that's been sealed since my last visit and the car was moved to a lot that I can't find.  Have to live with my parents, patting, patronizing, spatting, brandishing me with a "told-you-so" smile.  Some other kids have beers but I don't belong there, I try a bar but don't belong there, I try the attic apartment, and something looms there, attacking me was fine but then my kids I said not fine with a billy-club-pen to the attic's den and was constantly hunted until the veins were shunted, so I try to visit private school for a little light instead.  I first taught at it and even bought a house across the hill, but the attick followed, and dry-mouth followed, so I sank into the pavement drive and borrowed another cap and gown, just to wake up and be back in high school, thought it was my school, but the bathrooms filled and clogged again.  No walls, no mirrors, with walls like speakers, absorbing up the muck overflow while booming, screaming, spraying, spaying, breaking, breaking, taking, taking.  I could belong but knew nobody for so long I had forgotten that I could make ends.  I must be a student but my age speaks mutant because I'm still in high school so move outside school to breathe and see where the girls attend.  Girls I grew up with are across the street in the big, white house eating frost-cupcakes.  None left for me, just shit to tend. I go back to high school, the dirty high school, the one I worked at first.  It's commencement day and it's now an array of plastic performances smiles, jokes, wireless abhorrances as though baby never smelled coke. I know their lines the lies the grind the taste of metal-blood and don't know how to sniff, blow or belong so move through the high school halls, and the smell of high-school, the dirty high school, the one with marble stairs.  The iron railing my nose got smashed on when my hair tangled on her hand.  I need a bathroom, they're all filled shitters, no seats, no doors, no flushing, all whores.  So I keep on looking, my shoes dripping, disgusting in a dark hall corner where no-one stares.  The kids are rushing, I feel disgusting, can't find my schedule, I've got nothing but I find my locker, still can't rip it open, unzip the token that can't help but split my ass.  Back to the bathroom don't care -boys or girls bathroom, and the locker room holds dirty looks from both.  I try the toilet, then the next three toilets, but all the cans are full and I'm going to burst.  Nowhere to sit, nowhere to shit, nowhere to puke or pray.  I'm trapped in high school feces, even past doctoral theses, and the nightmares somehow always stay.